Thoughts on Allosexual/Asexual Relationships
One Form of Intimacy
As someone who works with neurodiverse couples and believes that intimacy can be expressed and experienced in diverse ways, I often reflect on the strengths of these relationships. Neurodiversity in a relationship can lead to greater empathy and appreciation of differences, sharing of interests, and advocating for each other’s needs (The Marriage Restoration Project, n.d.). Learning how a partner expresses empathy and practices communication can be a strength in a neurodiverse relationship. I turn my attention now to ace/allo relationships, relationships between asexual and allosexual people. Just like neurodiverse relationships have strengths, ace/allo ones do as well; collaboration and discussion of intimacy in ace/allo relationship foster communication and can build a fulfilling intimate life within a couple.
One of the most empowering concepts in working with neurodiverse couples is Dr. Damian’s Milton’s double empathy theory which claims that autistic people express and experience emotions and empathy differently from allistic people, causing a two-way and productive challenge in empathy and understanding (Summaries, 2020). Both members of a couple can grow from learning how the other experiences empathy; common examples include researching each other’s interests, sharing stories, and performing acts of service. In a relationship where one person is neurodivergent and the other person is neurotypical, also known as a neurodiverse couple, in which one person tunes into and appreciates how the other person communicates and experiences empathy, both partners can create a meaningful and deepening bond. Part of neurodiverse-affirming couples therapy is to help couples appreciate the ways they express empathy and get their needs met.
When considering parallels between neurodiverse and asexual/allosexual couples, I am keenly aware of the pain that can exist for partners in both kinds of relationship: there can be feelings of rejection when people are misaligned empathetically or have differing needs about the role of sex in a relationship, especially when sex is tied to intimacy. However, just as communication can be built, so can intimacy! A recent blog from the psychotherapy service Octave describes five pillars of intimacy, including playing together, accepting one another’s needs, trust, communicating honestly, and creating safety (Waters, 2025). These are often nonsexual practices that can be developed together and experienced by ace/allo couples: snuggling, holding hands, exchanging kind words, and being present for one another, are forms of connection that can be overlooked when sex becomes the default form of intimacy.
We know that sex dos not necessarily mean greater intimacy. In fact, a couple that has regular sex does not necessarily have intimacy. The psychotherapist Ryan Breen states that “Sex creates the illusion of intimacy, but it does not create the skills required for intimacy” (Breen, 2025). The skills required for intimacy are exemplified by communication that ace/allo couples need to practice for understanding one another’s needs. The asexuality educator and expert Cody Daigle-Orians, known on YouTube as Ace Dad Advice, speaks about negotiating relationship boundaries, and stresses the importance of honesty during the beginning of a relationship between ace/allo individuals that is centered on meeting needs and defining boundaries (Advice, 2022).
It is also important to note that ace/allo relationships do not lack eroticism. In their thesis “Beyond the ‘Whole Sex Thing’: Co-constructing Fulfilling Asexual/Allosexual Relationships,” Chandler Batchelor describes how couples in her own study participate in forms of eroticism and intimacy such as live-action role play, sharing erotic photos, and simply sleeping next to one another (Batchelor, 2024). Ace/allo relationships can include a healthy erotic life full of fantasy, and as I say in my blog “Asexual Does Not Mean Non-Erotic,” there are many asexual people who experience a high libido and enjoy fantasy and erotic materials with their partners. It should also be noted that not all allo individuals enjoy or want regular intercourse in a relationship, leaving open the possibility of exploring other forms of eroticism with an ace partner.
No discussion regarding ace/allo relationships would be complete without sensitivity to the messages that ace people have sometimes internalized regarding feeling broken for having an orientation that is often misunderstood or stigmatized. Ace Dad Advice points out that the ace person may feel that their allo partner is “doing it right” (Advice, 2022). While the allo person’s needs are just as legitimate as the ace person’s, an active effort should be made by both partners to be sensitive to and break any internalized or externalized messages that the allosexual person’s needs are more legitimate; Supporting the asexual and allosexual person’s needs equally is paramount for intimacy.
Neurodiverse and ace/allo relationships both include communication regarding empathy and intimacy. I hope that both neurodiverse and ace/allo relationships will be seen for their strengths and not just for their potential struggles.
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